Remember when you were little and asking questions was easy? You weren’t expected to know everything, and everyone understood that you would need help sometimes. Yet now that you’re a parent helping your own kids, asking for help yourself seems so much harder—even when you feel just as lost and in need of guidance as you did all those years ago.
“At a young age, you asked incredibly hard questions without fear or hesitation, and with conviction,” writes Laura Fredericks in her book Hard Asks Made Easy: How to Get Exactly What You Want. “The ask has always been in you.” Figuring out how to unlock “the ask” as an adult can be surprisingly challenging, but doing so pays dividends.
Fredricks’ tips for asking are applicable to big asks like talking to an employer about needing more flexible hours, or asks that just feel big, like approaching a parent acquaintance for a favor. And any parenting situation that overwhelms you is an opportunity to ask for help, whether it’s from your partner, your children, family members, or other members of the community. Here’s how to ask for help as an overwhelmed parent.
There are four types of “askers”
Fredericks identifies four types of “askers.” You can take her quiz to identify your type here. And figuring that out can help you better ask for help when you need it.
Here’s an overview of advantages, drawbacks, and tips for each type of aske.
The Negotiator
This asker wants everyone to be at ease and is well-prepared with attention to detail. Their style may leave the person they ask feeling too at ease, like the request wasn’t that important after all. This type of asker should try to be more direct, dial back the excessively agreeable nodding and smiling, and address conflict calmly instead of trying to smooth things over.
In practice, that might look like this: The Negotiator might want to tell her employer, “I think we’re on the same page that it’s more efficient for me to work from home while my child is out of school than to use PTO and lose a day to work on the presentation, right?” A more direct approach would be better: “We were talking about how important it is to get the presentation done this week, and I can manage that. I do need some flexibility Thursday, since my daughter will be home from school. Can I work from home Thursday to finish my part, and we can finalize Friday?”
The Empathizer
This asker spends most of their asking time listening and putting themselves in the other person’s position. They may be so other-focused they end up leaving themself (and the importance of their need for help) out of the equation. Empathizers, remember you are asking on behalf of yourself, yes, but also your family group. Try to shift focus away from your empathy for how it will inconvenience the person you’re asking, and toward the people who will benefit from their aid.
For example, the Empathizer needs her husband to pick up the kids while she goes to urgent care for a sudden illness. She can tell right away he’s had a busy day and her empathy gets in the way. She might say, “I can tell you’re so busy at work right now. I hoped you could pick up the kids while I go to the doctor, but maybe it would be easier for me to find an urgent care with later hours so I can go after you get home.” A better approach: “I know you are having a rough day. It’s not great timing, but I really need you to pick up the kids so I can see the doctor and start feeling better. If not, tomorrow might be even harder.”
The Presenter
This asker draws attention, is entertaining and interesting, works on developing relationships, but asks indirectly. In fact, it may not be totally clear they are asking for something. Fredricks suggests speaking 25% of the time and listening 75%. Be careful not to dominate with your personality, and don’t bury your request in a wordy speech.
Here’s an example: The Presenter hits the PTO meeting with waves, smiles, and jokes for everyone. He tells everyone about the Fall Festival plan, how fun it’s going to be, that he is going to judge the pumpkin contest. At the end of the meeting, the volunteer sign up sheet is empty because he failed to emphasize how everyone else’s contribution of time and supplies would be crucial to a successful event. To be more effective, the Presenter could jazz everyone up with his enthusiasm, mention how their individual skills would help with the project, and ask directly for a commitment to volunteer.
The Charmer
This asker captures attention with their words, story, and persuasion. However, they may come off as too direct. Charmers should get to know people with open ended questions, be aware of a too strong or too direct tone (which may seem aggressive), and word requests so they are more personal and less direct.
Here’s an example: The Charmer needs a new babysitter ASAP. At dance class, she tells the other moms an amusing story about her old sitter moving on, last minute tickets to a concert, and her dilemma of finding childcare. She hands each parent a notecard, saying, “Write down names and numbers of your best sitters so I can call everyone tonight!” No big deal, but it feels kind of like a gun-to-your-head situation. Instead, the Charmer could send a polite and simple text to her parent contacts saying, “Hi, long story, but I need a babysitter tomorrow. Is there anyone you would recommend?”
How to ask for help and get the answer you want
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Be prepared. Select the right environment to ask for a favor. Face-to-face might be best for a really personal or emotional request, like asking your partner to help you find the time, money, and energy to see a therapist for burnout; you’ll get lots of body language feedback, but in-person may be hard to schedule for a last-minute request. A phone call is convenient and quick, but lacking in personal connection. A text is direct and simple, but you have to be very conscious of your tone; use text for quick requests from people you know well, like asking a friend if you can borrow their backyard movie screen for the weekend.
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Be personal. Be aware of the interests, motivations, and lifestyle of the person you’re asking and how those things could impact their response. For example, if your want your kid’s help to prepare for visitors, emphasize how much fun they are going to have with Aunt Hope. If they help you make the bed, they can arrange an army of stuffed animal to keep her company.
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Be present. During the asking conversation, be sure to really listen to the other person and stay present.
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Format asks in two sentences, and one question. “This will prevent you from over-asking your ask or making your ask too confusing for the person to make a decision,” Fredricks wrote. Try this: Sentence 1: Acknowledge and empathize with the person you are asking for help. Sentence 2: Explain why you need help. Question: Ask how you can solve the need together. For example, “I appreciate you cleaning up the backyard this weekend — it was so hot. I want us to be able to spend more time out there as a family. Would you figure out how to get us some some of those big shades for the patio?”
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Anticipate their responses. For big asks like requesting a raise, think through what they could say and how you would respond to each answer. Fredricks suggests you actually write all this down to build confidence in how you’ll respond.
What to do when the answer is "no"
Fredericks shares three mantras to help you accept a “no.”
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“No” now is not “Never later.”
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“No” now is an invitation to keep in touch with them.
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“No” is an answer, one far better than never receiving a response.
If possible, find out why they said no, so you can know if they are a person you might come to for help at another time. Parenting is a long haul, and there will be more opportunities for people who care about you to help out.
“Finally, if you just cannot find your way to try these responses, or it is just not your style to do so, think of this. You have a definitive answer” Fredricks wrote. “It is worse, far worse, not to receive an answer and go chasing after it with multiple follow-ups, eating away at your time, than to have your answer. They actually did you a favor. They responded.”
More than anything, you need to get comfortable asking for help
Parenthood is often overwhelming, from managing schedules to illness to dealing with emotions and relationships. Thinking you have to do it all by yourself is just an added stressor in the equation.
Sometimes when I’m overwhelmed, just making a list of people I could ask for help is a relief. Start with being brave and confident enough to ask for help, then let people know you are willing to offer help in return, and before you know it, you’re building a whole supportive parenting network.
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